Bee Stung Lips

Pretty Ah Lian found the fabric she’s been looking for to reupholster her worn sofa. She walked up to the store’s fabric counter and asked “How much does this cost?”

Ham sap Ah Beng smirked and replied “A kiss per metre.”

Ah Lian thought for a while and answered “Ok, I’ll take 10 metres.”

Ah Beng got excited, then quickly measured & cut out the fabric for Ah Lian.

She then took the wrapped cloth and said to Ah Beng (while pointing to a hunched old man standing beside her) ”My Ah Kong will pay the bill.”

Here are some real-life scenarios I encountered last week. I think they’re funny enough to share with you:

Scenario #1

A guy & two girls were having after dinner drinks by the sea in KK, Sabah. One of the girls saw an interesting concoction on the menu called Orgasm - a combination shot of cointreau + bailey’s. She really wanted to order that drink but was extremely embarassed to say it out loud to the waitress.

Girl asks friends: Do I say “I’ll have an Orgasm?”.

Guy: You should say “Please give me an Orgasm”.

[How typical...]

Scenario #2

Blogger A: Long time no talk, how are you?

Blogger B: I just got back from along roadtrip. Wassup?

Blogger A: Just wanna ask you about some html stuff… btw, how’s your traffic?

Blogger B: It was really bad. They shut down one lane, so two lanes became one lane and the traffic backed up like crazy.

Blogger A: Huh? What are you talking about?

Blogger B: [pause for a few seconds then laughs aloud]

It is very common for men to experience some form of urinary incontinence (loss of bladder control) as they grow older because most men’s prostate glands tend to enlarge over time, a condition known as Benign Prostate Hyperplasia (BPH).

Signs & symptoms of BPH include:

- frequent & urgent urge to urinate especially at night

- difficult to urinate, leaking or dribbling

- little or no urine comes out

- urge to urinate even though you have just passed urine

- blood stains in urine

However, this post is not about BPH, it’s about female urinary incontinence. For your info, females do not have prostate glands. Instead, female urinary incontinence most commonly occurs due to weak pelvic muscles.

Women with weak pelvic muscles tend to wet themselves (mild or uncontrollable urine leakage) when they sneeze, cough, laugh or carry a heavy object. This situation is also called ’stress incontinence’.

One way of strengthening weak pelvic muscles is by doing Kegel exercises frequently. Women can do these exercises anytime, anywhere.

Back to female urinary incontinence, a guy recently asked me what happens if he does cunnilingus to a female with urinary incontinence?

I laughed my head off…!!!

I’m writing this post because I’m hoping to get FREE tickets to watch Pirates of the Carribean 3. I wanna see sexy Captain Jack Sparrow swagger around the pirate ship!

So let’s first talk about rum. Rum is a type of alcohol often linked to pirates. Since childhood I’ve never understood why pirates don’t drink anything other than rum, and boy! they drink by the barrels. I’ve tasted rum and it doesn’t taste as good as whiskey, champagne nor wine. For those still underaged, you can get a taste of rum by purchasing those cute little rum-balls at your local cakehouse/bakery.

Since it’s not the taste, maybe it’s the smell. I suspect pirates use rum as masking agent to cover their horrendous body ordour… Everybody knows pirates don’t shower. Pirates are real men, they don’t follow ‘em rules. Argh..!

And when pirates don’t shower for who knows how long, they’d definitely develop itchiness in their skin folds. Use your imagination – don’t ask me where. In such cases, rum may be use to relieve their itch. Rum = alcohol, and alcohol has antibacterial properties = kill the itch by killing the germs causing the itch.

There you go! The rum is gone because:

1. pirates drank rum by the barrels

2. rum is pirates’ preferred perfume

3. rum is the one & only medication in pirates’ medication kit onboard

Ah Pek bought a new BMW convertible and was out on the North-South highway for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to speed her up.

As the needle jumped to 180 kmh, he suddenly saw flashing blue lights behind him.

“There’s no way they can catch a BMW,” he thought to himself and sped up further. The needle hit 220 kmh and then the reality of the situation hit him.

“What am I doing”? he thought and pulled over.

The policeman came up to him, took his license without a word, examined it and the car.

“It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.”

Ah Pek thought for a moment and replied, “Last week my wife ran off with a policeman. I was afraid it was you and you were trying to give her back.”

One famous Hong Kong singer sang:

Yau lei yau ngor yau cheng

Yau sang yau sei yau yuen

I can’t remember who it was, but this particular chorus has remained etched in my brain for years.

Being a banana (yellow on the outside, white on the inside) it’s taken me years to learn Mandarin and Cantonese to a basic level where I can converse without having to go hungry (tu chi hen er, yau chi fan/hou tou ngor, yew sek fan) or hold my bladder till it explodes (hou kap liu, yew hoi chee sor/yau chue chi swo). Hee.. hee…

But today’s topic is not about chinese language or chinese song chorus, it’s about a true love story:

Hou tor nin chin yau yat kor nin cheng yan chui yat kor nin cheng lui cai

Yau yat yat kui tei hui pak tor

Koh kor nin cheng yan choi koh kor nin cheng lui cai seong kapcai

Tan hai kui mou thai lou, chi hau chong yat kor tai ngau

Tai ngau sei chor, kui tei leung kor chau fei chut hui

Leung kor tou sau pei ngoi seung

Kuo chor lik kor chong tai ngau si kin, kui tei leung kor chau kit fan, sang cai lui, pak tou tou lou

Kei yat chin, lik leung kor lou yan kah choi seong kapcai hui hang kai kai

Choi yat chi mou thai lou, mou chong tai ngau, tan hai chong kei tah kapcai

Leung kor lou yan kah choi fei chut hui

Choi sau pei ngoi seung

Hai…. lei tei kong ha, lik kor hai mm hai kew yau yuen fan leh? 

[UPDATED]

Ok-lah, due to popular request, here’s the translated ku cai in English:

Once upon a time there lived a young man who wooed a young girl

One day they went on a date

The young man and the young girl went on a motorcycle ride

But he didn’t keep his eyes on the road and hit a buffalo

The buffalo died, whereas the two of them were thrown skywards upon impact

Both sustained surface physical injuries

After this event, both of them got married, had children and lived till old age

A few days ago, the old man and the old woman went on another motorcycle ride

Again he didn’t keep his eyes on the road, but instead of hitting a buffalo, they hit another motorcycle

Both were thrown skywards upon impact

And sustained injuries again

Sigh… wouldn’t you call this fated to be together?

Otherwise known as nosybody, busybody, kaypohchee…

Yours truly have been experimenting with a potential future career path, that of a matchmaker.

My last ‘project’ didn’t go that well because I didn’t know one party well enough to introduce to the other party whom I know very well.

So two nights ago I set up another couple – total strangers to each other – to a game of badminton. So far no news whether there’ll be another date or not. Hmmm…

Anybody interested to participate in my ‘experiments’? I don’t charge matchmaking fees, but participants must be single and available legally (that means cannot say only but in actual fact already legally married).

I was there!!! Can you spot me?

Photo copied from shaolintiger.com

The Together Gather Bloggers Party was held at Federal Hotel in KL, and although I was caught in a traffic jam for 2.5 hours, I made it there without succumbing to road rage.

A big thanks to the organising committee who let me join in the last hour (actually the day before).

I got to meet bloggers whose blogsites I visit regularly in person:

1. 5xmom

2. AhPek

3. Lin Peh

4. Wingz

5. Cocka

6. King’s Wife

Bloggers whose blogsites I will visit soon:

7. Tinystar

8. Aceone

9. Sotongking

10. Kenny Ng

11. Lockee aka Ah Boon

And I also got to meet Yvonne Foong. I salute her for her courage to live life to the fullest despite her unwellness (go read her book: “I’m not sick, just a bit unwell”).

Too bad I didn’t get to meet 9393, Sengkor and Zara’s MaMa.

Now I gotta buck up and improve my blog content & appearance – somebody pls help! I’m so looking forward to the next bloggers meet!

And thanks to all who visited this blogsite after seeing my face!

I’m so excited, just a little over a week and it’s H-O-L-I-D-A-Y!!!

My weekend schedule is already full – last-minute shopping spree is tops on my to-do list. So many things to buy, so little time, so little money… need to crack my head on how to stretch that ringgit. Any suggestions?

Btw, while out shopping at Sunway Pyramid during Thaipusam, I spotted this

and I was immediately reminded of 5xmom’s post! Hee.. hee…

Do you know any guy who’ll be wearing this to welcome Choy Sun next Sunday?

I’m a banana (meaning: yellow on the outside, white inside), and I’m not that proud of it these days simply because I lose out on many aspects – less exposure to gossip in our local Chinese dailies and foreign publications, no understanding whatsoever whenever we watch Taiwanese and Hong Kong talk shows, and the sniggering and small talk I miss out when so-called friends converse in Chinese.

BUT at least I’m taking the effort to learn the language. Okay, I can’t write Chinese, but I can now converse in simple Mandarin and Cantonese.

And so I would like to wish all of you, my dear readers, “Chu Ni Xin Nian Kuai Lek” (wishing you a happy new year).

With the year of the Fire Boar just around the corner, why not join in the fun sing-along project by Tok 3 Tok 4? Check it out at: http://tok3tok4.blogspot.com/

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Or in han yu pin ying:

He Xin Nian

He xin nian Zhu xin nian
Xin nian ah Nian lian nian
Bao zhu sheng sheng cui de xiang you nian

He xin nian Zhu xin nian
Xin nian ah Nian lian nian
Sui yue you you guang yin shi jian

Hui shou wang shi ru yan tong ku xing suan
Ji wang cong jin wan shi ru yuan

He xin nian Zhu xin nian
Xin nian la Nian lian nian
Yuan ta jia dou guo ge tai ping nian