Bee Stung Lips

*read this from an online newsletter*

If you messed up your life, you could press “Alt, Ctrl, Delete” and start all over!

To get your daily exercise, just click on “run.”

If you needed a break from life, click on “suspend.”

Hit “any key” to continue life when ready.

To get even with the neighbors, turn up the sound blaster.

To “add/remove” someone in your life, click settings and control panel.

To improve your appearance, just adjust the display settings.

If life gets too noisy, turn off the speakers.

When you lose your car keys, click on “find.”

“Help” with the chores is just a click away.

You wouldn’t need auto insurance. You’d use your diskette to recover from a crash.

We could click on “send” and the kids would go to bed immediately.

To feel like a new person, click on “refresh.”

Click on “close” to shut up the kids and spouse.

To undo a mistake, click on “back.”

Is your wardrobe getting old? Click “update.”

If you don’t like cleaning the litter box, click on “delete.”

New blog posts coming soon. Sorry for being missing in action for the past few months.

Ah Beng and his wife Ah Lian were watching a tv drama about a man who lost consciousness and slipped into a coma with no possibility of recovery.

Ah Beng turns and says to Ah Lian, “In case this ever happens to me, I want you to know I never ever want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine. So just go ahead and pull the plug.”

Ah Lian gets up and unplugs the tv.

:-p

Ah Beng walks into a bookstore and spots a book titled “Dating for Dummies: What Women Want”. So he picks it up and flips it open.

“Chapter 1: The First Date”

He glances the chapter over and then takes out his mobile phone to call a girl he’s wanted to ask out for a long time.

She: Hello

He: Hi, Ah Lian. Ah Beng here. I was wondering if you’d want to go watch a movie with me tonight?

She: Sure

Ah Beng gets excited and decides to take it one step further.

He: Great! How about dinner before the movie?

She: Sure, I’d love that.

He: Ok. I’ll pick you up after 9 p.m. You should finish eating by then…

1. Hi. I’m can’t come to the phone right now. Please leave your name and number and I’ll call you back as soon as I can.

2. Hi. I’m probably around here somewhere, I’m just avoiding somebody I don’t like. So leave me your name and number, and if I don’t call back… it’s you!

 3. Greetings, you have reached an answering machine. If you’re a telemarketeer/salesperson, my owners do not need anything you’re offering/selling. If you’re from the loan department, my owners have migrated to Fiji. If you’re calling from an NGO, my owners give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you’re still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

4. *breathe in* *breathe out* *breathe in* *breathe out* ala Darth Vader.

5. *psychedelic music playing in background* I hear you through my sixth sense… tell me your name, reason for calling and your number where I can reach you… and I’ll think of returning you call…

6. I don’t live here anymore. Stop calling! 

Wife was uncomfortable with the idea of turning 30 and was overly sensitive to any signs of aging. When she found a prominent grey hair strand, she pointed to her forehead.

“Have you seen this?” she indignantly asked her husband.

“What?” he asked. “The wrinkles?”

A husband asks his wife, “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger”?

“I clean the toilet bowl.”

“How does that help”?

“I use your toothbrush.”

One night 4 MBA students were out partying till wee hours and didn’t prepare for the test which was scheduled for the following morning.

The next day they hatched a plan – they made themselves look as dirty and dishevelled as they could, then approached the dean and told him they attended a wedding reception the previous night, and on their way back, the tyre of their car burst. So they had to push the car all the way back and that they were in no condition to sit for the test. 

The dean thought for a minute, and then said to the students they can sit for the test after 3 days. On the 3rd day they appeared before the dean.

The dean announced that this was a special condition test – all 4 of them were required to sit for the test in separate classrooms. They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days.

The test consisted of 2 questions, with a total of 100 marks:

Q1. Your name …………………………………………………….. (2 marks)

Q2. Which tyre burst? …………………………………………. (98 marks)

a) Front left

b) Front right

c) Back left

d) Back right

[This is a true story from IIT Bombay student] 

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: Geez, man. How do you breathe through that small thing?